Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Independent Student Newspaper for the University of Texas at San Antonio

The Paisano

Satire

Finals begin next week which for students means a steady flow of late night cramming in the JPL to prepare for the most heavily graded exams of the semester. During this time student’s hard work, effort and progress all semester can be assured or destroyed by the difficulty of a single exam. Finals week is often the most difficult time of the year where issues of loss of focus and sleep deprivation can be a challenge for many students to overcome. To combat this and to better help students prepare for their finals, UTSA has elected to turn the McKinney Humanities building into a Starbucks to assist students in their preparation.

To accommodate the overwhelming student need, the M.H will be cleared out and each room will serve as its own, fully function, Starbucks franchise. Students will be able to receive coffee at 2-3 minutes quicker than average and will be able to order stronger drinks than previously able. “Each drink will contain the max amount of caffeine legally available to healthy adult human body,” explained M.H 3.021 franchise owner Xavier Spresso. It is recommended that students do not drink more than one cup every six hours due to the probably chance of cardiac arrest.

The new addition comes after complaints earlier this year during midterms of the low number of Starbucks on campus. “There are only two Starbucks on campus,” explained student Cara Mel. “I had to wait in line for more than thirty minutes during midterms. That is unacceptable.” The long wait times accompanied by an emergency shortage of whipped cream, sparked many students to complain of a low coffee supply during mid-terms despite coffee being available for purchase at the university bookstore, the JPL food court, Einstein’s, at the university convince store, in over 100 vending machines on campus, and passed out for free by organizations under the Sombrilla. Students however, cited these sources as “not as good” or “not the same” and elected to wait in lines often extending outside of buildings instead.

Student response to the added Starbucks has been overwhelming positive. “Coffee really helps me stay awake studying for finals,” explained geometry major Venticent Grande crediting the future tier-one university on its new addition. “I also take prescription Adderall which keeps me focused”, he adds. “I mean it’s not my prescription but, my buddy’s girlfriend’s roommate. It really helps when I need to stay up like 4-6 days in a row.”

Recent studies have shown that cramming three to four days in advance for a final is often the best way for students to retain and process over four months of material. The study suggests that with the addition of the Starbucks building and subtraction of normal sleeping hours, students should be far better prepared for final exams than a consistent study schedule and full nights rest. The study did not go into detail about adverse health effects.

The 24 hour building will be available starting this week and continue until the last day of finals. Finals that were previously scheduled in the M.H will still meet in the building however students are required to keep quiet and accommodate paying customers. To consolidate the costs of the building, coffee pricing will be 12 to 14 times higher than normal and the amount of therapy puppies available on campus will be cut down from thirty-seven to two pugs and a beagle.

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