Satire


San Antonio, Texas—After a tense 36 minutes of indecision, fear and a short bathroom break, a recently single man was finally able to send a text message asking the woman he had been talking to online out on a date.

Debating for weeks whether or not he should ask out the woman, who was a mutual friend on Facebook of his cousin Tim, university-senior Barry Malone decided Sunday that he would ask the woman he had been non-verbally communicating with for two weeks to meet up in person.

Having communicated only through GIFs of dogs pretending to be humans and superficial business formal texts such as their major and future occupations, Malone found it difficult to begin an organic conversation that could lead to a date. “I didn’t really know how to ask,” he stated. “So I just kept asking her about her day over and over.”

A breakthrough came when the woman began discussing a new movie she wanted to see, hinting that she had no one to go with. Although he had no interest in the new Goosebumps adaptation, Malone decided that this was his best chance to meet the woman he only knew through profile pictures.

Difficulty arose after 10 minutes when Malone found himself unable to formulate a coherent text message, drafting and redrafting them multiple times and often ending up either too wordy or with too many emojis.

Malone decided to call several of his expert dating consultants to assist with his text message including his mother and fraternity brother Danny. Immediately dismissing his mother’s unrealistic idea of actually calling the woman, Malone decided after a heated heart-to-heart discussion to go with the advice from his fraternity brother, because of his more successful resume of over 30 tinder matches rather than his mother’s 55 years of life experience.

Mental exhaustion began to set in for Malone, when his ex-girlfriend texted an ambiguous “hey” at 1:32 a.m., creating emotional turbulence he had not prepared for. Twenty-six minutes had already passed, and he began to second-guess whether the woman who had sent him a combination of winky face and robot emoji the night before was interested in him or not.

He began to type “hey” and “we should,” but then stopped to contemplate the meaning of life and whether he should simply forget about the date and instead focus on his studies and new job on campus.

Realizing that life is about meeting people, going on adventures and taking chances (as preached on the woman’s Instagram bio), Malone finally sent, “I’ll give you Goosebumps. Let’s go to the movies together.”

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