I have often fallen into the trap of making a New Year’s Resolution over the short time that I was self aware enough to do so.

They’re usually something along the lines of trying to lose 10 pounds (or more – and lately I assure you more), becoming more organized, writing a journal entry a day, finding a new job, reading more, drinking less, and anything else that people have been made to feel like they are lacking in their lives. I’m here to tell you that I have permanently removed resolutions from my New Year schedule.

Please do not misunderstand this as a claim to my personal perfection; I am not perfect. Never in my life have I met someone who had all facets of their lives under complete control.

Usually the anal (cheap snicker*) retentive man has debilitating social skills and can name all the characters and backgrounds on the latest nerd porn that has caught his fancy.

The outgoing socialite usually is unable to decipher the mysterious linguistically puzzling codes of there, they’re, and their (at the moment, these socialites are trying to figure out which form they should use to write that they’re* outraged).

There are certain things about people, in general, that don’t allow them to keep their resolutions. At some point, a person has to accept that they’re flawed, and no amount of time with the Shake Weight will make their biceps bulge. The short man will always be short.

No matter how beautiful and in shape a girl might be, she will always find that fold of skin that keeps telling her that a piece of lettuce is enough food for today. Don’t listen to the fold. Folds of skin cannot talk, and if yours do, perhaps it is time to see that therapist.

Despite all our natural human flaws, we are people who are not going to change. No matter what advice I give to rude people, they will continuously tell me that I need to lose 10 pounds (sorry grandma), or that I shouldn’t dial or text them when I’m intoxicated (“Why don’t we hang out…and by hang out I mean I’d like to sleep with you”).

These flaws are what make the world beautiful and unique. So the next time that somebody asks me what my New Year’s Resolution is…I will simply reply, “My resolution is to eat more fast food, miss more school assignments, buy four journals and only write in the first page of each of them, keep my job at McDonald’s (no offense), and binge drink more.”

Why? Because I know I’m going to do them anyway. So if you’re on my speed dial, you should turn your phone off after 2 a.m. when I’m drinking. 

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