Satire

UTSA has a serious image problem. If UTSA wants to become a Tier 1 institution, it needs to consider changing its mascot to something less fowl. I’m looking at you Rowdy.

In a recent study conducted at a university in England, 40 percent of people are afraid of birds. Fifty-seven percent of people distrust birds that cannot fly. A whopping 80 percent of people are terrified of flightless, leg-using, quick birds.

While UTSA has done its part to lower acceptance rates and increase the amount of higher quality students, its statistics have neglected to include the quality students who are discouraged from coming to the university because of their fear of birds.

Bird attacks have increased by 20 percent over the past year due to global warming and decrease in the bee population. Many of those reported to have been attacked by birds have been incoming college freshman and high school students, touring colleges.

Why does UTSA ignore these statistics? These are the types of bird-fearing individuals likely to have higher GPAs because of their time spent indoors who the university should look to recruit.

Rowdy, as a mascot, is an imposing figure. Because of the bird’s cheering beak and clapping talons, many people leave football games early due to fear of Rowdy. Often students who take photos with Rowdy smile in fear or in pain. When cheering or running energetically through the stands and on the court, Rowdy often looks like a crazed feral animal. His heart must certainly be as hollow as his bones.

As an established learning institution, it is critical that UTSA must look into every means possible to accommodate current students and potential students who look to join our university.

I propose that we run Rowdy from the nest and cozy up to a less fear-inducing animal — like an armadillo.

Armadillos are the armored dirt-rat of Texas. They are strong, they don’t mind the heat and they are familiar with the nocturnal college life style. The armadillo is exactly the type of passive, non-threatening mascot we need to represent our school.

When not digging up and destroying your neighbor’s lawn, armadillos are peaceful and protect themselves by running away and burrowing into the ground and jumping into thick shrubbery. Their shells have been reported to be strong enough to deflect bullets, a beneficial adaptation considering the new campus-carry law. This grub-eating, rabies-carrying animal is the mascot the university should choose to represent itself with.

Go Dillo’s!

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