Satire


The Student Government Association’s (SGA) 7th annual student tuition-funded private invitation-only Christmas party was announced to be held Saturday, Dec 5. Special invites will go out to President Romo, Councilman Nirenberg, prospective students with high GPA’s and the university’s notable alumni and donors. The 500-invitee event will be held at an undisclosed concert venue next to the Alamodome, and will not be open to any currently enrolled tuition paying students at UTSA who do not receive an invitation.

“180 Million Christmas Lights” is this year’s theme for the event, selected to celebrate the $180 million raised in UTSA’s first ever capital campaign. 180 million Christmas lights will outfit a 300-foot tree, topped by a two story aluminum-and-neon star. The tree has been announced as a legacy project to be featured as a staple for the once a year event. The SGA has allocated the remainder of its student-budget for the event – excluding what had already been used to fund their retreat, a ghost tour, as well as production of a slow motion video of officers jumping in front of the roadrunner statue.

“We are excited to network underneath the mistletoe in the 7th anniversary of our event,” announced the SGA in its orange-and-blue laminated invitation. “We would like to thank the university and ourselves for doing such an outstanding job for UTSA students,” stated the organization who had been elected by fewer than 5% of the student population. “We will continue to provide students with open discussion forums and self-esteem boosting life awards.”

Members of the SGA will be able to add “Christmas party planner” and “eggnog associate” to their already deep resumes, as the event will feature both an extremely competitive white-elephant exchange as well as a 600-gallon eggnog tank.

An additional $2 will be added to student’s tuition and fees next year due to a shortage of President Romo’s favorite peppermint and yule log flavored bluebell ice cream and the extra revenue will fund a back-up 50-foot chocolate fountain after the short-circuit involved in last year’s luke-warm milk-chocolate disaster. The $2 will also help purchase an additional 24 scantrons for SGA’s only genuinely helpful student-assisting event – scantron give-away during finals.

Students registered for next semester can begin voting for next year’s Christmas party theme on ASAP, the result of which won’t befit them in any real way. The two themes for next year are a toss-up between “A Tier-one-of-a-kind Christmas” and “The CAP student that stole Christmas.”

UTSA encourages its 30,000 student benefactors to watch the event on Dec 5 online in a live-stream twitter feed as well as to purchase the thousands of unsold homecoming t-shirts, which have been flipped-inside out and re-branded to depict the events 180 million light tree. Students are also encouraged to check out the SGA’s first-ever student government address “By Students for Students” released earlier for students in September, which has currently been viewed by a little under 400 people, presumably students.


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